So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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