Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
