i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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