where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
