Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My liver is preforming stress tests.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
