His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
