apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
