I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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