and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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