I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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