I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
