Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
