Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
