Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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