I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
NoShamevember. You game?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize