This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
