I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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