I skipped work to stalk him.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
