I am puke
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
God I need to hump something, right now.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
