Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
