you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
