the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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