So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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