There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
