I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It was confusing and full of hummus
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
