Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
