I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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