I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
