does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
