She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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