i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
two words...techno handjob
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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