I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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