Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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