I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
