I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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