I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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