Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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