Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
