I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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