my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
