His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
