he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
