On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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