Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
