If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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