you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You can't motorboat a personality
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
