I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
