you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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