My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let's get the cat blown out
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
