We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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