good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
