evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
