He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
