I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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