he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
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We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
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I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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