We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
