WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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