i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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