is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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