I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
